A revelation--and step one up the mountain

How I react to the world is all about how I feel about myself....do I think of myself as an assertive, positive force in the world....or do I see myself as a rudderless ship buffeted by the foul winds.

Am I a cause, or am I an effect?

When adversity strikes, who do I think it strikes?

• A man who deserves adversity no more or no less than anyone else does, and who can deal with the next steps without anxiety or self-recrimination. A man comfortable with himself, his destiny and his faults, and not willing to take the blame for the world, just his part.

Or

• A man who believes that he deserves everything the world dishes out to him and worse, who is destined to repeat his mistakes over and over again. A man worthy of his own scorn...and unworthy of being loved unless he does what others want.
  

I am afraid that too often it strikes the second person...and that my self-image and self-talk, while confident in good times, is anxious and fearful under stress. Anxiety leads to depression and avoidance.

I have begun to try and channel the first guy--like when I give a speech, I pause at the mic, and I collect myself, and I think, "be in command of this room." In my funny moments, I call it channeling my inner Dan Draper. I need to do that more. A deep breath, and a simple thought, "be in command of this situation."

There are lots of things coming up....Everest is standing there, and during the walk you will be placed under stress--not the least of which is during the holidays. So, today's first step up the mountain is to take command of myself when I am under stress....just today, just the next time.

Its late at night

I should be in bed. Long, long day. Tired and unmotivated. Not a great day for my first trip up Mount Everest. Had about a half bottle of wine and a big glass of cognac. But, the mountain is there, right before me. And I'm going to get to the top. Which means, tomorrow, I am going to go up---however small.

Some things did go well. I have a woman who is pushing for a stronger relationship. In the past, I would have obsessed over disappointing her this week when I can't see her. And I do like her. I asserted myself positively, and didn't fall into all that co-dependency stuff. And lo and behold, she stuck with me.

How about that?

And, I'm continuing to try and meet new women, which is MY desire for my new life.

So tomorrow, a simple goal.

I'm going to be positive, and think about jumping hurdles, not resenting them.

This has been hard lately. The novelty has worn off from my new life, and (whoops) the old me is still here. Don't try to do too much, don't try to climb the mountain in one day. If I can do this--for one day--its a step forward.

What is my Mount Everest?

Mount Everest from monastery window
Originally uploaded by Rupert Taylor-Price

I've already talked about my favorite line in "Oh the places you'll" go by Dr. Suess. Its, "your mountain is waiting."

Recently ran across a really similar thought in one of the best blog posts I have ever read...its called "How to be creative" on gapingvoid.

We're going to spend a few days on this rich and illuminating set of personal philosophies (are they finally in that mythical sweet spot?)

Catch this:

You may never reach the summit; for that you will be forgiven. But if you don't make at least one serious attempt to get above the snow-line, years later you will find yourself lying on your deathbed, and all you will feel is emptiness.This metaphorical Mount Everest doesn't have to manifest itself as "Art". For some people, yes, it might be a novel or a painting. But Art is just one path up the mountain, one of many. With others the path may be something more prosaic. Making a million dollars, raising a family, owning the most Burger King franchises in the Tri-State area, building some crazy oversized model airplane, the list has no end.

Whatever. Let's talk about you now. Your mountain. Your private Mount Everest. Yes, that one. Exactly.

Let's say you never climb it. Do you have a problem with that? Can you just say to yourself, "Never mind, I never really wanted it anyway" and take up stamp collecting instead?

Well, you could try. But I wouldn't believe you. I think it's not OK for you never to try to climb it. And I think you agree with me. Otherwise you wouldn't have read this far.

So it looks like you're going to have to climb the frickin' mountain. Deal with it.

My advice? You don't need my advice. You really don't. The biggest piece of advice I could give anyone would be this:

"Admit that your own private Mount Everest exists. That is half the battle."

And you've already done that. You really have. Otherwise, again, you wouldn't have read this far.

Rock on.

So what is my Mount Everest? Is it the book? No, don't think so. My private Mount Everest is really, really private. Its about altering the soundtrack of my life.

• I wake up in the morning, and my mind is preparing for the day, looking at every single thing with dread or anxiety.
• I meet a woman, have a nice time with her. She wants more, I'm not ready. I torment myself with fears that I am going to let her down or I have to keep her happy.
• In times when I should be feeling good, I'm too often pre-occupied with things that make me feel bad...not all the time, but much of the time.

Fixing this is my Mount Everest. I'm 44, and I'm as independent as I have ever been. My happiness is less dependent on other people than it ever has been and ever will be. But I have to accept it, because right now, I am just choosing new people to control my happiness, and these are people with no commitment to me. At least with my ex-wife, we were married.

So, step one. This private Mount Everest exists. Climbing to the top will require the trip of a lifetime. And I'm going to take the first step right now.

When I am at the top of Mount Everest I will:

• Take care of myself along with other people.
• Stop letting other people determine my happiness.
• Start letting myself feel good.
• Stop dreading the hurdles. Take them in stride.
• Worry about things in their time, and no other time.
• Take action to close loops, create peace. If you avoid it, it owns you
• Not necessarily in that order.
  

These may sound stupid. I mean, its not a novel or a screenplay.

But, it is so tall I can hardly imagine it being taller. It is literally the highest and most difficult thing I can imagine in my life. This habits are so ingrained, and I have tried to climb this mountain before, though I didn't know that's what it was at the time. And I didn't get to the first base camp before I came tumbling down again, or I ran out of oxygen, or whatever metaphor you want.

But let's be clear...I ran back down the mountain when it got a little steep and my focus wandered.

That's part of climbing a mountain. You gotta expect it to be steep. And you gotta climb everyday for a long time to get to the top.

So that's it. Today is the day I start my climb to the top of my own, private Mount Everest. Next, I will prioritize the first steps...what I need to do to get to the first base camp.

If you don't look for signs of hope....

You might miss them.

I really like the Happiness Project, and this post provoked some interesting thoughts for me....

One of the things I am learning is that there seems to be a sweet spot between any two competing philosophies.

• You have to be committed to your path, but flexible enough to change.
• You have to accept the things that happen to you....but, then again, many of our greatest minds never accepted things as they were.
• We should learn to say YES to life....unless the real skill is learning to say no.

I guess the bottom line is that you can't bromide your life. You can't set up hard and fast rules to govern what you do and how you think.

The post linked above is about that, too. Here's the essence.....

I’m paraphrasing, but in part Dan Pink answered, “I never ask myself ‘What’s my passion?’ That question is too huge. It’s not helpful.”

I think that’s absolutely correct. One of my happiness-project resolutions is to “Think big,” but sometimes you can paralyze yourself by asking big, unanswerable questions.

This is actually a pretty big insight on its own. You can certainly think too small. Most people haven't figured out that you can also think too big. You can't see a beautiful painting on the ground if you are looking down from an airplane.

That's why I like GTD and the Weekly Review. Once a week you think big, occasionally you think even bigger, but, in general, you think in more manageable bites.

I often say, "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Do what you need to do today, and check in once in a while to make sure you are oriented to the right destination. The peace you get will help you live better along the way.

Wonder and worry

Watching a blank screen
Originally uploaded by ToastyKen

This might be my worst habit.

When I don't know about something, I wonder about it. Now, you could do two destructive things here.

* Assume everything will be OK.
* Assume everything will be a disaster.

I'm in the second boat...wonder and worry. If there's something out there that is undefined--and let's be honest, life is infused with ambiguity--I tend to assume that it will be a disaster. Not just ideal, not just bad, but a catastrophe. I just color in pictures with black.

So, I need to fix that, right? I caught myself doing it this morning, and I thought...hey, if you wonder, you don't have to worry.

What comes with this anxiety, though, is a fear that makes you not want to find out the real truth, since you are so sure its horrible.

So, instead of wonder and worry, you have two healthy options:

* Wonder and wait. (most things work out).
* Wonder and investigate.

Either way, torturing yourself over the unknown is not the action of a healthy person, especially in our complicated modern world.

This is really funny

Politics...if you didn't laugh, you'd cry. Watch this. Oh, and I really do believe laughter is the best medicine. Normal amounts of sleep might be second.