Sunday, January 11, 2009

Interesting Question

A major part of my recovery program has been to be positive. You know, remain upbeat, positive. Not feel sorry for myself. I'm not a victim.

It seemed like a healthy thing to do.

A friend of mine asked me how I was (via text). I said I was fine.

And she told me that I didn't have to be brave and strong for everyone.

I didn't know what to say. I was a little hurt. It almost felt like I needed to be miserable to meet someone else's expectations.

Like everything, it made me start to doubt myself. Am I papering over real feelings? Am I putting coping ahead of healing? Am I avoiding the real struggles?

I really don't think so. But, this is my story to one else can speak the words that are on my lips. And I'm going to stay positive and upbeat, even if I might be papering over things.

Here's why. I feel like I'm flapping in the air. And if I stop flapping, I'm going to crash. I have been here before, and if I let myself use depression as an answer, I'm going to go down and I might not get up. I don't know if I would get up.

There is only one road forward. Be positive. Be upbeat. Be practical. Flap hard, and use your falling momentum to generate that upward thrust.

There is only one way.

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