Thursday, September 18, 2008

On the Rebound my first relationship post-marriage is falling apart. Well, I don't know how OUCH it is.

My advisors have all told me that I shouldn't rush into a relationship. Some (mostly women) have even told me I should wait a year before I leap into a relationship. Need to know myself better, not really ready to be a partner to another person, and wasting a year in the life of an otherwise innocent person.

Well, I didn't do it. Right or wrong. What we had was a good relationship, but I knew for about three months it wasn't going to work out. But, as long as no commitments were being made or no one was being led on, it was OK, right? And certain parts of it were great.

In fact, she taught me I could be attractive again, and I could be sexually vigorous again, and I could please a woman. And I could enjoy a woman's company. And we had some great, great times, way outside my comfort zone, where I need to be.

Well, our parenting schedules rarely mix, and we don't live close to each other, and we (apparently) were both wondering what whether something else was out there.

So we decided to see other people. Her suggestion, manipulated to look like it was my idea.

Mostly, its a relief. I was beginning to wonder how I could get out before it got too far and someone got hurt. And, it wasn't right long term.

Mostly its a relief, but it hurts a little. Maybe more. And I don't know why. I keep telling myself, I got what I wanted and she wanted it too...hmm, you mean sometimes people don't know what they want?

Anyway, there's fork in the road now:

  • Do I take my freedom with thanks, and retire from the stage for a while, at least until the end of the year? (This is what my mother-brain says I should do).
  • Do I jump right back in and start meeting people. (This is what my gut tells me to do). I even thought---what if I made a goal to go out with 20 women between now and this time next year??? Ambitious....would it make me happy?

I'm not going to worry that I'm not ready for a relationship. Everyone brings baggage to a relationship, its not a crime, so long as no one gets led on.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I am registered on an online site, but I haven't filled it all in yet. Maybe I'm not ready. During the last 18 months of my marriage, my mental health was FAR worse than I knew at the time. So, I feel ready, but maybe I am not.

There's no hurry. No rush. No pressure. But people say follow your gut, right? Could it really hurt anything?

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